The Surrender Theory by Caitlin Conlon

Author:Caitlin Conlon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Central Avenue Publishing
Published: 2022-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

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I didn’t realize that you’d accidentally taught me

how to do everything with my non-dominant hand

until I moved in with a lover and he watched me rip

a piece of foil.

Later, after the leftovers were wrapped and placed in

the refrigerator, I sat beside the photo albums and

wept.

You were here this whole time. Waiting in my muscle

memory for the right moment to say hello.

QUESTIONNAIRE

1. I put the same songs on every playlist I make. What does this say about me?

a) I attach myself to beautiful things and cannot let go.

b) My heart isn’t big enough for everything I love to live there at all times.

c) It says nothing. I just make everything into a metaphor.

d) All of the above.

2. How often do you have control of your life?

a) Whenever I write.

b) Whenever I take care of my body on my own terms.

c) Whenever I fall asleep within ten minutes of getting into bed.

d) Never.

3. Where do you carry your grief?

a) In the form of a question.

b) To the nearest river.

c) On my lower back.

d) I don’t.

4. You are worried about something. It’s eating away at your chest, like moths to an old shirt. Who do you call?

a) Someone you are related to by blood alone.

b) Your reflection.

c) Another living being, one that you love deeply despite knowing them for less than a decade.

d) Home.

5. Which definition for vulnerability appeals to you the most?

a) Being exposed to the potential for physical or emotional harm.

b) Trusting that your environment will be kind if you are honest with it.

c) A necessary act in order to explore all areas of your own self.

d) A first kiss, not technically romantic but romantic enough to remember.

6. Why did you forgive them?

a) It was the only way to stop the dreams.

b) Time came to me in a vision.

c) The situation no longer made me cry in the shower.

d) They forgave me first.

7. What color is anger?

a) Your father’s shirt.

b) Vodka.

c) Ripe fruit.

d) Dawn.

8. Which of these scenarios best illustrates your love language?

a) My partner knew that I needed to stop at the grocery store after work, and did it for me so I could come home and relax instead.

b) My partner saw that I was upset and held me close to them, close enough that our heartbeats fused into one singular hum, like a bee.

c) My partner constantly reminds me that I am worthy of love, and stability.

d) My partner stays.

9. How much space have you created between yourself and your regrets?

a) At least one year’s distance.

b) An arm’s length.

c) I am my regrets.

d) I no longer believe that I have done anything worth agonizing over.

10. When did you first find yourself drawn to the light?

a) I have always been drawn to the light.

b) a.

c) b.

d) c.

BRIEF SELF PORTRAIT AS FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

You may have given me this tough skin,

a hand outstretched, a lifetime of words, but

how much do you have to despise what you’ve made

in order to leave it nameless?

SHORT REFLECTIONS ON GRIEF

There are so many stories that walk in a circle.

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